Who Shall I Say You Are?

I recently got a job at a Bob Evans. It’s not necessarily a Christian environment but there are the occasional people who stand out. I had a man come through my line at the cash register. He handed me his bill and is credit card. I asked to see his ID and upon taking note of his cross necklace he said, “I am that I am.” And he asked me if I knew who said that. I told him that the great God Almighty said that to Moses when Moses asked, ” who shall I say you are?” Then the man asked me if I knew who sent me because he knew for sure God sent him. There’s a verse in Isaiah that has come up in my life a lot. It’s found in chapter six verse eight. The Lord asks,” whom shall I send?” To which Isaiah replies,” here I am, send me!” Jesus Christ has called us to a mission, to seek and save the lost and to proclaim his name throughout the earth. We know who sends us but are we really doing our job?

Check out the song Follow You by Leeland

Double Life

I’m sure many of you have seen the new lipstick commercial…you know the kind that is double sided? Well at the end of the commercial the girl says “Now your lips can live a double life!” this was convicting.
You might be familiar with the verse James 3:10, which says, “out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” Or how about the verses in Proverbs 4 that say, “above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away all perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.”
So that got me thinking about my life…all our lives. How many of us don’t have wholesome talk? How many times do we “slip up” or say “just kidding?” But further than that, how many of us do live a double life? I know there has been many times that I have. He doesn’t call us to only follow him on Sundays or at Wednesday youth group. No, he calls to follow him just as relentlessly as he loves us, to follow him as passionately as he saves us and as devotedly as he is faithful to us. And I want to live that kind of life. I know it will be hard, but Deuteronomy 13 assures us that God is just testing us to see if we love him. The road will be hard but so worth it if we just stay true to God and ourselves. Let’s strive to not lead a double life.

Pharaoh’s Heart

Blood. Frogs. Gnats. Flies. Dead animals. Boils. Hail. Locusts. Darkness. Death.

If you don’t know what these are, they are the ten plagues that God cursed upon Pharaoh when he refused to release the Israelites from Egypt. Each time Moses went to Pharaoh and submitted his request, Pharaoh’s stubborn heart denied freedom for the Iraelits. And each time the punishment from God got worse. Eventually Pharaoh told Moses he could go but only under certain circumstances. But that’s not what God wanted, He wanted all of Israel, even the animals, to be freed from the opression of Egypt. It took ten plagues, the last one killed his son, to get Pharaoh to finally submit to Moses and Aaron and the God of Israel.

I had to read this story for my Exploring the Christian Faith class. I was just sitting in my bean bag chair reading Exodus 1-14 as a homework assignment, with a “I’m-so-bored-I-could-just-pass-out” mentality. It’s my first time actually reading the story although I’ve seen the Dreamworks version a hundred time (which, by the way, isn’t very accurate, but is still good). I had just finished reading about the 8th plague and I thought to myself, Geez, Pharaoh’s heart must have been like a 40 ton boulder. How could He not acknowledge the God of Moses?

Then it hit me. How many times has God shown me Himself and I’ve denied His power, His presence? How many times have a cried out from the pain of my “plagues” and then when God answers me I rebuke Him and demand a clearer sign? How hard is my heart? Why can’t I just follow His commands instead of telling Him to do things my way? I’m not a king, not even in an earthly sense let alone in my own life. So why not let the King of the universe control me life?

I love when I get to experience God in a huge way, especially when I stumble and fall. But I don’t want to have to be so stubborn that I have to be tripped by Him for me to notice He’s always holding my hand.

Forgive me, Lord, for having a pharaoh’s heart.

Freedom

Previously I blogged about victory over my past. And while I still believe that I am victorious, I am a survivor, I now face the immensely scary yet absolutely necessary healing process.

All I’ve ever wanted is freedom. And now I’m in college and I have no parents to stress me out or anything that prohibits my independence.

But why does freedom from myself scare me?

I’ve been so used to uncovering the freshly laid surface things that I have rarely been able to see the bottom of myself. I still have so much anger and bitterness and pain. But I’m used to it, I know it…I welcome it. These dark things are all I’ve ever know and to think of getting rid of them scares me.

And what scares me most is that I should be used to change- I should want to change…I mean if my God, my Creator, made me to have freedom in His Son after I proclaim Him as my Lord, shouldn’t I want that freedom?

I feel so much confliction…my heart tells me that I can and should have all that the Cross offers me but my flesh, my sins, my shame tell me that I’m not good enough to have what God wants for me.

God sent me an angel, I swear it. I can’t even put into words what God has done in my life in the past couple days. It’s been amazing. And as much as I wish I didn’t have the same story as this angel, I thank God that she is so intimately weaved into my life….she’s my block mentor and I live in the same dorm room she did her freshman year…a tad bit crazy, right?

But it’s because I have spent so much time with this new angel/friend/sister of mine that I have discovered that I really do want to experience that love. Which just so happens to be what the theme of my dorm floor is: “Going Deeper.” I want to go deeper into God’s will for me and right now that involves walking beside this friend of mine to find freedom from the same sins and pain and to walk together to strive for a better understanding of what God wants in and of our lives.

It will be scary and it will hurt. But God promises us that He will be with us every step of the way. He doesn’t demand that we take leaps and bounds; no, He wants us to trust Him enough to follow in His footsteps, as He has already gone before us and made a way for us.

Rapha God, I am ready for You to take this heart and make it new. Show the path You have walked before me and hold my hand, because I can’t stand on my own. Make known to me the things I need to release so that I may cling tighter to you. Thank You for never leaving me and believing in me enough to give me more than one chance to follow hard after You. May Your will be done in my life, in Jesus’ powerful and healing name, Amen.

Victory

Okay, so most of you know my story, or at least bits in pieces of it. And if not, you at least know that I am still breathing…which seems simple enough but for me, that is a true victory.

I haven’t ever really thought of myself as a strong person, although the definition of my first name means strong (my life is full of irony). But lately, more frequently than usual, people have been telling me that they are just so inspired by my perseverance. I used to, well, I guess, I still do struggle with that idea. I just have a mix of emotions about it. Like part of me wants to be proud because I did do it, I made it out alive. But then I feel guilty that I want to be proud because I know that I didn’t do it alone and claiming such would be a big, fat lie and a bash on every one who helped me remember to breathe, and more importantly, I would be denying the grace of my God. But the most conflicting feeling is shame. Yes, I am still alive, and yes I am moving on but I didn’t get here without falling flat on my face and hurting myself in unthinkable ways many, many times. If they only knew, if they knew about all my faults they wouldn’t be proud. I hate that I harbor so much shame. Even as I look people in their eyes I still hold my arm so they don’t see the scars.

Why am I hiding? Yes, my scars are ugly and scary,  and boy do I have a lot of them. But I also have a tattoo on my side that says “By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. -1 Cor.15:10.” Theses people that are telling me that they are inspired are not saying they’re impressed, that leaves room for boasting in myself. No, these God-ordained people that are so delicately placed in my life, regardless of whether they know details or not, regardless of whether the know about the tattoo or not, they are pointing out that I have victory.

I bet if my youth pastor was here right now and I was telling her this she would hit me upside the head saying, “Bri! I have told you this a million times!” But hearing and knowing are totally different than understanding and believing.

I think I’m starting to truly believe that I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and that I am free because of the truth ( John 8:32). I can claim victory over my past, over my guilt, shame, pain and confusion. I can live free of bitterness and anger, heartache and pity. But not on my own, but by His grace.

 

“Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.” -1 John 4:4

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13

 

 

TWLOHA

I just voted for TWLOHA on the Vivint Gives Back Project. Vivint is giving away $1.25 million dollars to local charities and I want TWLOHA to win. Please vote!

http://www.vivint.com/givesbackproject/charity/117

Differences

“By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.” -1 Corinthians 15:10

I think it’s safe to say that I’m pretty different. I just go against the grain, ya know? But it’s not out of rebellion…well I guess it kinda is. I mean, Jesus was a rebel and I’m trying to follow His example.

Yes, Jesus was a rebel.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.

So I recently got reacquainted with this girl that I knew back in 3rd grade. Coincidence? I think not. And for the sake of privacy, I’m going to call her Fiona.

Anyway, we hung out the other day and just spent some time getting to know each other better (we’re hoping to be roommates at college in the fall). And let me just say, we are polar opposites when it comes to backgrounds. A lot of our personality traits overlap but how we developed them is a completely different story.

We both…we ALL, have to face obstacles to get where we are going. And as I blog previously, unless we have nothing to live for, we don’t ever get out of the pit we’re in.

Oh, I bet you’re wondering why I put that verse up there. Well, as I just said, we all go through refining fires and tough trials and it’s only by God’s grace that we come out alive…that should change the way we live.

That’s something Fiona is big on: moving on. Not necessarily forgetting but forgiving and learning from the mistakes…especially if you claim to be a Christian. We all have a past for a reason, but there’s a reason why it’s our past.

Fiona will never know what I know and I will never know what she knows but that’s the beauty of the Body of Christ. All of us in our imperfections are part of something divine and awesome. And through our imperfections and little quirks, we have opportunities to shine the Light of Jesus and show the world who He is.

Okay, I’m sure I’ve lost you now…I’ll try to explain it better.

If I claim to be a Christian but let my old self run my life, non-believers will see that and be turned off by the idea of Christ. But if I claim to be a Christian and act like I have it all together, people will be turned off to Christ. But–if I claim to be a Christian, admit I have a past but am changed and back it up with actions of faith and still express that I am a sinner but am striving to live for Jesus, then people will see that and have hope that they too are worthy of the Blood of the Lamb.

We have been given different circumstances to overcome for a specific purpose designed and predestined for us by and through our Creator. God doesn’t trust me more with struggles or love Fiona more for not rebelling against Him. He created us genuinely, each of us with a unique purpose to fulfill. But we can only do it with His help and by His grace. If we were all supposed to be perfect, we’d have no need for a Savior….where’s the love in that story? If we were all supposed to be the same there would be no need for…anything, really. Fiona was not made to live my life and vice versa.

Before I started following Jesus I wanted so desperately for my life to be different; I wanted to be someone else and played “What If” all the time. And even when I first started my Christian journey, I didn’t understand that I was me for a reason and that I was worthy of the life I have been called to…I didn’t think God could use a screw up like me.

But here I am, and by His grace I am what I am and I refuse to let His grace go to waste.

So rejoice in that fact that you are DIFFERENT. Cling to the hope that your hard work of following Jesus will pay off one day.

You have a platform to change the world for Jesus. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to try. You are forgiven and have new life. And there is a crown in store for you.

“I will praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” -Psalm 139:14